Dear Poppins... Explaining Pregnancy to Children

First of all, kudos for wanting to be honest with your son. Ignoring your son's requests for answers,lying, or using make believe (such as the stork delivering babies), destroys the trust and communication you need to have a healthy relationship together.

Generally speaking, when children ask a question they are ready for an answer. Therefore, if your son was not asking questions it wouldn't be as prudent to fill him in on the miracle of life just yet. But given his curiosity, now is the ideal time to begin fostering open communication on topics that may be a little uncomfortable for you to divulge in.


The rule of thumb is as follows:

If the discussion involves genitalia always use anatomically correct body terms. (to learn why click here).

The older the child the more likely you will need to divulge more information. Statistically speaking psychologists agree that by the age of 8 children are cognitively ready for a full explanation of the birds and the bees. If they don't get the information from you this is about the age where they will begin to get it from their peers and/or the media.
This makes it all the more important for you to begin these small chats at a young age and to continue to follow up with booster talks throughout their entire adolescence.

So for example, if your son asks you how the baby is going to come out you could calmly state, "The baby gets pushed out of my vagina. That's how all mammals give birth."

If he asks how the baby got in your tummy you could answer by saying, "Daddy has seeds and Mommy has eggs inside her belly. Once the seed is planted in the egg a baby begins to grow."

At the tender of 4 most simple answers should satisfy his curiosity. If it doesn't, and he wants more information I highly recommend the following children's books to help him understand a little better.

Best of luck with the conversation(s) you are about to have with your son. What an exciting time for you to begin fostering mutual trust and open communication! And of course, good luck with your pregnancy!

Sincerely,

Now it's your turn to pipe in!

  Readers, how did you discuss this topic with your children? Do you have any suggestions for this Mom?

Teaching Children about Sex and Their Personal Worth

I recently read an Article about Abstinence-Only sex education highlighting Elizabeth Smart's feelings on the matter. I'm sure you all remember Elizabeth Smart's story- abducted from her bedroom in 2002 at the tender age of 14 and held in captivity for 9 long months mostly in the mountains behind her home in Salt Lake City Utah.
I lived in Utah at the time and when she was found and I, along with much of the world I imagine, wondered- "why didn't she just run away from her captures? She had so many opportunities and she was so close to home."
Utah has a high Conservative Christian population and I believe still teaches Abstinence-only sex education in schools. I myself am Christian... however, I, like Elizabeth Smart, have developed strong feelings about abstinence-only education due to the unfortunate fact that I myself am proof of the statistics listed below and personally know the dangers abstinence only education can put a young woman in. And it is even more important to me now that I have children of my own.

Elizabeth Smart says it best:
"“I remember in school one time, I had a teacher who was talking about abstinence and she said, ‘Imagine you’re a stick of gum. When you engage in sex, that’s like getting chewed. And if you do that lots of times, you’re going to become an old piece of gum, and who is going to want you after that?’ Well, that’s terrible. No one should ever say that. But for me, I thought,

My beef with this analogy is that this message usually falls harder on girls: 

If one person is the gum, the other person chews. This is a VICTIM based analogy. The same goes for all of the other “tips” that put the pressure on the victim to prevent rape. "When we teach teenagers to dress modestly, abstain from alcohol and certainly never engage in sex, we’re not actually helping them prevent rape—but we are telling them that when they are victimized, they are partially to blame." - Amanda Hess, Slate.com

Current statistics on sexual abuse and rape are staggering and these statistics should emphasize the importance of proper sex education to children and teenagers:

SOURCE: RAINN.ORG

In my opinion proper sex education should teach:

You are ALWAYS of worth no matter what happens, and no matter what you decide. Teaching this is essential to protecting not only their bodies- but their sense of worth and their self esteem. I've personally witnessed and gone through the horrible depression you can experience once you lose your self worth and self esteem. 

Sex is not "one person chewing and one person being chewed". It is and always should be mutual and equal.

-Your body is YOURS and YOURS ALONE. Children need to learn that they have permission to fight back, and that requires them to know that they are of worth and that they have value EVEN AFTER the attack. NO MATTER WHAT. 

And most importantly- Sex education should start as young as possible and should go hand in hand with teachings of empowerment, value, worth, and respect. Children need to learn that sex is not a bad thing. It is not worth shaming. It is a topic that needs to be discussed and they need to feel comfortable enough to talk to you about it. 

So, I'd like to know... what are your feelings on the matter? Do you believe in abstinence-only education? Do you believe that it is a topic that should be taught at home and/or in school? Personally, I have mixed feelings on the matter that are rather complicated- to lengthy to discuss here. But I'm curious as to what you think and how you all teach it to your children.

CLICK HERE TO READ MY ARTICLE ON TEACHING AND PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM PORNOGRAPHY

How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography

(Source)


This is a topic that is far too uncomfortable to discuss- yet one that we MUST discuss with our children. (and its long, I apologize for that in advance, but this is an important topic- one that affects the lives of millions)

I'm about to get real with ya'll.....

About a year ago, I overheard my  3  year old son tell his 3 year old cousin that they were going to get married and have sex. To say that I was completely and utterly shocked is the understatement of the century! Where on earth did he hear the word "sex" was my first question. We didn't have cable and we try to limit our exposure to the media, he can't read, and we lived in a great neighborhood with great kids. And to my knowledge his 2 older sisters didn't know what it was either so they couldn't have told him either.

Boy was I ignorant

I asked him where he heard the word "sex" and he said our neighbor girl. She's 5. And I know her parents very well... they are fantastic. Educated, caring, religious, always the first to serve in the community.... and yet their 5 year old had told my 3 year old about sex. I asked him if he knew what it was, and he preceded to inform me that it's when two people lay on top of each other naked and he knew it was true because neighbor-girl had said so. I asked him if she had done that with him (or vice-versa) and MUCH to my relief the answer was, "EW! NO!"

SO... great neighborhood with great kids- YES, innocent neighborhood with innocent kids- NO

As far as cable goes- We had Netflix and at the time my husband and I were watching a ridiculous amount of How I Met Your Mother. Always at night after the kids went to bed, but apparently my oldest (who was 7 at the time) had been sneaking out of bed and hiding in the perfect spot so she could watch it with us, without us knowing. And THAT is how she not only heard the word "sex" but was introduced to the concept as well. (please don't judge me- I'm being real here, and my hope is that you can all learn from my mistakes- and the lessons I've learned trying to rectify such mistakes)
I found this out after I had a candid discussion with her about sex and what she knew and understood about the subject

SO... 2 older sisters not knowing about it- WRONG. They knew.

This led me to countless hours of research on how to discuss sex with such young children. I read books, articles, and even went to a convention where Dr. Jill C. Manning gave an excellent speech on protecting your family in this pornographic world.

The following tips are my suggestions based on said research:

1. Be honest with them- Honesty really is the best policy when it comes to pornography. They need to know that no matter what they hear from friends or the media, they can always comfortably come to you with whatever questions they have knowing that they will get the truth. The last thing you want is for them to wonder what this or that term means and have them Google it to find out or ask their friends and get wrong information or even too much information that they weren't ready to hear.

2. Use anatomically correct body terms. ALWAYS.
This is something Dr. Jill C. Manning ( A licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in research and clinical work related to pornography, and author of the book, "What's the Big Deal about Pornography?") is adamant about. And for good reasons- How are your children supposed to be able to understand the difference between cutesie jargon and hard-core pornographic slang with there is no clear line separating the two? Often times cutesie jargon (wee wee, pee pee) can become extremely pornographic simply by context, tone of voice, or who is saying it. Which brings me to my next point: Sexual predators NEVER call private body parts by their anatomically correct names. In order to trick children they rely on words familiar and enticing to children. The vagina becomes a “cupcake”, the penis becomes a “lollipop”, and so on. I’m sorry to get graphic on you- but that’s reality... and knowledge is power! A penis is A PENIS. NOT a wee wee, pee pee, wiener, or any other name. Same goes for “Vagina” and “Breasts”. Teach your children that slang words can be dangerous, and that if anyone begins to talk about their private parts using slang words it’s a gigantic red- flag!
I attended a lecture by Dr. Manning on this very subject a few years back and after her lecture I approached her and asked if it was OK to call the entire private area, “bum”. My husband and I had always used anatomically correct terms with our children- even before my quest for understanding how to discuss sex and and the dangers of pornography with my children- but often times I would call the entire area, whether it be front or back, “bum”. Not always, but like when I would say, “Wipe your bum.” My husband always called me out on this. Saying this was a big no-no. They are distinct areas anatomically so therefore you cannot blend them together. Its confusing for  the child. I disagreed and said it wasn't that big of a deal. Dr. Manning agreed with my husband 100%. She told me that it was OK to call the buttocks, “bum” and that it was also OK to refer to them as “private parts” so long as you don’t avoid the anatomically correct terms all the time. By always calling the entire area bum, I was avoiding saying the anatomically correct term during a perfectly appropriate time to use it. She said that by avoiding anatomically correct terms you risk teaching your children that “penis, ”vagina, and “breasts” are dirty words and that because those words are dirty, their private parts must be dirty too. This is incredibly damaging!

3. Start young-  believe it or not, introductory discussions should begin as young as 3. Topics such as:
*Modesty (here is a GREAT post on teaching modesty to children of any age- A Modesty Fashion Show put on by you- the "immodest" Mom.)
*Appreciation for our Bodies
*Respect for our Bodies
*and Commitment, loyalty, and Love
are all topics that should be discussed and taught on a regular basis all throughout their childhood and adolescence.  These topics are the ANTI to pornography. They are the cryptonite to pornography, if you will! If you can help your child internalize the importance of Modesty and respecting theirs and others bodies you will be giving them a gift so powerful that it could literally protect them and keep them safe!  As your child grows, “booster talks” and related discussions should be used to expand their understanding and help them internalize and recommit the correct principals, values, and morals he’s been taught. Talks about sex in the media (TV shows, music videos, even magazine covers which are almost completely unavoidable at the check out counters in grocery stores these days) rape and sexual abuse (which is on the news regularly) masturbation, prostitution, puberty, and birth control are just a few examples for your “booster talks”. 
 The key here is to discuss these topics early enough to be preemptive (discussing them before they get the information elsewhere) but late enough so that you know they are cognitively ready for these deeper subjects.  You don’t want to take away their innocence when they aren’t ready or create unnecessary fear and worry in them.
I’ve read several books and articles on this subject and the general consensus from the professionals is between the ages of 10-12. That seems young to some of you I’m sure, but if you look at the statistics above maybe you’ll understand why.
Once your child reaches the age of 11/12, or middle school age, your discussions should shift from basic knowledge to teaching him about how to view and what to do. It becomes about attitude and behavior rather than knowledge. Which leads me to my next step:

4. Teach your child that they have the power to look away and walk away, from anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.
This step is HUGE in my opinion. I can't be  with my Littles every minute of every day, and  they will someday leave my nest into a very pornographic world that is just getting worse and worse. My children MUST know that they always have the power to look away from anything that makes them feel uncomfortable... even if that's just a magazine cover. In our family we reiterate this with modesty, respect, and privacy. This is a great lesson to teach while you are waiting to check out at the grocery store and there is a scantily clad woman on the cover.  If you see them looking at it, ask them how it makes them feel? Embarrassed? Uncomfortable? Tell them that’s perfectly natural and that it makes you feel that way too. Suggest that you both look away and tell them that they always have the power to look away from anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Dr. Manning used an example in her lecture about a father who saw his son glancing at a magazine cover while waiting for checkout and he simply suggested that they look away and give that woman on the cover the same respect and privacy that they give Mom when shes in the shower. Pornography addiction comes with a feeling of helplessness. And it usually starts with something as simple as scantily clad men and women well before it turns into nudity and pornography. Teaching your child that they have the power to look away and the power to say no, and making sure that they internalize it is a powerful tool in this pornographic world.

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Have you discussed the dangers of pornography with your child(ren)? I'd love to know any tips, suggestions, advice, or stories on the subject. This is such a sensitive subject, but one that I know affects the lives of many! This is an ongoing lesson that I am trying to instill in my children so any valuable advice or encouragement is always appreciated. Leave a comment below if you want to share something with me or with the parenting community. Remember, it takes a village!

Here are some more recommendations for follow up research:

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