Do You Parent with Strings Attached?

Are you ready to have your MIND BLOWN?!
As you all know... I LOVE parenting. And most of all I love ALL THINGS "positive parenting" related.
Well this article by Alfie Kohn is going to challenge your perceptions on what it means to be a good parent. I read it a few years ago and this, among other books, articles, and childhood development classes like it, completely changed the way I parent. I wasn't a bad parent- but constantly looking for ways to become a better one is in my nature- I bet it's in a lot of parent's natures.

Let me give you a teaser quote before I send you off to read:

"....... loving our children isn’t enough. We have to love them unconditionally – for who they are, not for what they do.

As a father, I know this is a tall order, but it becomes even more challenging now that so much of the advice we are given amounts to exactly the opposite.  In effect, we’re given tips in conditional parenting, which comes in two flavors:  turn up the affection when they’re good, withhold affection when they’re not.

Thus, TV’s “Dr. Phil” McGraw tells us in his book Family First that what children need or enjoy should be offered contingently, turned into rewards to be doled out or withheld so they “behave according to your wishes.” And “one of the most powerful currencies for a child,” he adds, “is the parents’ acceptance and approval.”  (Steph's Sidenote: This makes me so sad. To suggest that you use LOVE and acceptance as a manipulative tool to shape your child's behavior is sickening. )

Likewise, Jo Frost of “Supernanny,” in her book of the same name, says, “The best rewards are attention, praise, and love,” and these should be held back “when the child behaves badly . . . until she says she is sorry,” at which point the love is turned back on." -Alfie Kohn (Steph's sidenote: Again- ridiculous. Attention, praise, and love are NOT REWARDS! They should be unconditional!)

And now I'll send you off to read and ponder:)

Alfie Kohn: Parental Love with Strings Attached

I Don't Force My Kids to Share... & Why That's a GOOD Thing!

I recently stumbled across this article and loved it so much I just had to share it with you guys. 

------------->  Why I Don't Make My Son Share <---------------

You see, I do this too! Always have, and always will..... with every one of my kiddos. 

I'd go into detail about the million reasons why but she does such a good job at explaining it that I'm going to simply persuade you to hop on over to her lovely blog and read it for yourself.

But before you go let me back her up by saying this: IT WORKS! (I've got 4 kids of all age ranges to prove it) 

 It teaches patience, tolerance, how to cope when someone tells them "no", and respect for themselves & their belongings. While sharing is important- setting up personal boundaries is important too IMO. There is a time to share, and it doesn't hurt to ask your child if they WANT to share- but there is no reason you should force your child to share simply because another child wants something they have.

Oh- and before I let you go let me tell you how I teach this concept in my home:

We ASK if they WANT to share first. They are perfectly entitled to answer YES or NO. 

If said child's answer is no I teach the other child how to cope by saying something like the following:

"That's her toy and we have to respect that she has the right to decide who gets to play with it and when. You get to decide with your toys too. Let's find something else to play with or wait until she's ready to share."

or

"He was playing with that toy first and it would be rude to insist that he give it up simply because you want it. We have to respect other people's boundaries and belongings. Let's find another toy or wait until he's done playing with it." 

 ________________________

Ok- now hop on over to her blog and read that article! It'll be worth your time. I promise!

Article: Positive Parenting, Toddler Discipline without Shame

Another great article on how to effectively parent toddlers (and older kids for that matter) without the shame or guilt. 

Positive Parenting at it's finest!

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

Article: 10 Positive Parenting Tips

I found another GREAT article on how you can practice positive parenting in your home!

It includes 10 steps from Dr. Laura Markham on how to implement positive teaching moments through discipline rather than punishment.

{Click Here for my post on Alternatives to Time Outs which also talks about the difference between discipline and punishment.}

In fact, her #7 tip is to eliminate Time Outs as a form of discipline!

Before I send you off I want to give you my favorite quote from her article:

"Harsh discipline and punishment, ironically, interfere with the child's ability to develop self discipline... Kids who are given discipline that is not loving never learn to manage themselves constructively. Ultimately, loving guidance and positive parenting result in the child's developing the holy grail toward which all child-raising is aimed: the child's own self-discipline"

Click HERE for the article 
For more Parenting Articles look for the "Parenting Articles" link in my sidebar 

 

Article: Taming Tantrums

“Teaching kids to control their emotions is huge," ...... "We can't take away their feelings, but we can control how they communicate them to us. This is something that has to be taught though."

The question then becomes... how do we teach them that?

How do you get through to a 3 year old right in the middle of a tantrum?

I found this really great article that teaches us just that! 

and you'd be surprised at how simple the concept really is. 

CLICK HERE to read the full article

Here's a couple of my favorite quotes from the article:


"While it might be hard to remember in the heat of the moment, the ultimate goal of the parent shouldn’t be to punish, but rather to teach. When a child is in tears over a parents' refusal to drive thru McDonald's, or screaming and flailing around when the TV is turned off, it’s actually a golden opportunity to show them how to regulate their own emotions."

“Calmly lift and move the child from one location to another (e.g., floor to a couch). {Click HERE for my post about setting up a CALM COUCH in your home. It would be the perfect place for your child to go in this scenario}This shows you are in control of the situation," he said. "You might pat them on the back and gently tell them they seem frustrated at the moment but when they are calmed down you'd love to talk with them. This labels their feelings, shows empathy, but requires a change in their behavior before you will give them your full attention. Your calm and compassionate approach will also serve as a reference for children who will then be better able to calm themselves.”

I posted another great article a while ago called:

Emotion Coaching Parents- Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids

Click on the link above to learn how to teach your children to identify and cope with their emotions 

Article: Raising Entrepreneurial Kids, Teaching Responsibility, and Initiative

Here's a great article about how to create a family economy... one where the kids EARN their money instead of getting allowances. My family has been doing this for a little over a year now and I LOVE it!

 I LOVE that my children are learning how the real world works.

 I love that they have been taught to take initiative

 I love that they are responsible for purchasing not only what they want, but also what they need (minus socks   and underwear) This includes new clothes and school supplies!

 I love that it is teaching them responsibility and accountability!

And it's NEVER to young to start! My kids are 7, and almost 6 and they thrive in our family economy!
sidenote: (I have a 3 year old and an infant that will start when they hit about 5. Although I do start them with chores at age 3, they are just rewarded a bit differently since they can't exactly budget at that age.)

To learn more about how you can establish a family economy CLICK HERE

To read an article from a mom who established a family economy with great success CLICK HERE (it's a good story!)

Emotion Coaching Parenting: Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids

My local news station website had a super great article on how to respond to your child's emotions.

Here's a couple quotes from the article:

"Imagine growing up in a home where your parents expected you to always be cheerful, happy and calm. In this home, sadness and anger are wrong and seen as signs of failure....
This gets complicated, especially as you age and you discover that life is not easy. Still, you're not supposed to feel all those bad feelings, so you become a master at covering up. Better yet, you do your best not to feel. You avoid situations that lead to conflict, anger and pain."

{I for one am probably guilty of  telling my kids to calm down and be happy waaay more often than I should. I could definitely work on helping them to sort through their emotions instead of just brushing them aside so I don't have to listen to crying and whining}

On the opposite end of this you have what is called "Emotion Coaching Parents"

"When parents offer children honest empathy and help them cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection."

-------> {get this!} "Children who received emotional coaching from their parents also reported fewer infectious illnesses. They were better at focusing attention. They related better to other people, even in the tough social situations like teasing. They were better at understanding people. They had better friendships with other children. They also performed better academically"

To get the 5 tips on how to become an Emotion Coaching Parent and to see some other amazing benefits of doing such CLICK HERE


P.S. I have some free Montessori-inspired Emotion Cards to help teach your littles more complex emotions.

Article: Toddler Management in Church

Here is a great article I found with a few tips on how to train your child to be more manageable during church!
{ I love articles from "Mom's who know"! }

Toddler Management 101: Church Meetings